Numb .

Disappointment .

1. Everyone has their own family problem . I cant deny that , really . Sometimes , there are some 'difference' that tear them apart , or maybe that worse , but more to like 'not so in harmony situation' . Before that , in my context is BIG family , that is included ipar, besan , biras and cousins . So , i find out that it is easier to neglect this 'war' between families when i was little . ye lah , budak kecik apa tahu . We are all in our little wonderland , everything is wonderful ! .Now , its harder youknow . The backstabbiong, the dissatisfaction, the negativity that surrounding the environment . MasyaAllah i have to say i hate it . But i cant do anything :'( . I must say , once we were kids , gathering together with the cousins was the most awaited time because we can play together and share story ! . But now , it seems like ' lah diorang nak datang ke ? ' . Make them feel uninvited . I am saaad :'(. Especially when we have manyyy cousinsss and we WERE so clooose . But because of our parents , that has affect everything  Even If it was not them , it had affected me. On how i see them , on how unhappy i am to see them and on how judgmental i am towards them. Sometimes , i just feel so guilty . Because they helped us , but at their back we were like despising them. MasyaAllah we are one big family my dearest Families ! Please stop all of thisss ! Its hard to be a grown ups now . And its even harder as you are growing older . Sometimes i felt like i want to shout and scream and yell this kind of words . To make them realize , each other;s mistakes . We are only human . We do mistakes . We are not perfect . AND WE ARE FAMILY . Oh how can this happened in the first place i dont know. Too many assumptions , too many exaggeration of stories . I always pray to Allah to give me a nice and compatible ipar-duai to me , because i dont want my kids to get through the same situation as me in the future . But youknow , life is always tough , and it anything can happen. Im hoping that when the time comes and it turn out to be different , i will be wise and positive enough to handle it . Ya Allah , please unite us as ONE BIG FAMILY . AMEEEENN . Even its nothing serious like berebut harta and stuff , but i still cant find any comfort in this condition . Only HE Who hold the hearts can turn this situation around,. And i pray to you God , to make things like before . So we can feel the sweetest ukhuwwah and preciousest gift you have given us in our life , FAMILY . 

2. Sentap . Touching . Offended. Disappointment . The last word is too harsh to me in any condition . Because to me , when youve reach that point , you are at your limit . But lately , it was like so easy for me to say that . Maybe im tired already. Tired of being too positive , too understanding that people took me for granted . Do what they want . Kawan taknak ikot makan bila da diajak , sentap . Kawan tak show effort nak practice  , sedihh . Partner buat ala kadar dengan event padahal nak turun jawatan , offended. Kawan yang tak consider how i felt , kecewa . Kecewa sebab how can they not think for a second how that will make me feel . How can they be so ignorant . How wehh howw ?! I always try my best to do all i can for them , but how cant they give in a little .  Iknow , this is actually happened when i was so unstable after the heart-thinggy . However , some of it still has affect on me . Astaghfirullahh . Yes yes i knowww . I try to rationalize . I TRIED . But this is the moment when i hope i can 'take' something from you guys , just abit . I just need you to understand me just for a second . Nothing more . So... that is why . That is why if you feel like theres a little gap between us , this is the reason . I thought this thing will disappear like a blowing wind . But it is not . You should know something is wrong if i say nothing at all or my reaction is not like always . I m just too broken . Ohgoshhh im being too mushy right now . I am at my lowest level of breaking point actually :'(

3. YES , i am an unstable reactant right now . I can blow up anytime soon . Ya Allahh , tolong bagi aku kekuatann T_T . EXAM . ASSIGNMENT . LAB . EVENTS . TOURNAMENT .