31 March 2013

In -Expressive .

Salam and hye people !

Yeah , for a while i made this blog as private thats because i found out somebody that used to be my ehem is having , i dont know, an social network enlightment and he suddenly has this twitter and instagram account . Blerghh. Plus , Erudition is tracking blogs to be put inside that mini magazine , sooo yeah , i shouldnt put myself at risk . HAHA .

It has been long since i last talked bout heart thinggy , n i think its not right . You know , when you keep everything inside and slowly it kills you , eat you up to death *well thats an extreme exaggeration* .

So , here i am *deep breathe*

It feels like a wake up call ever since i read Fuzah's blog, her recent posts . It tear my hear out to read them . It was too deep to even tell others . I cant even tell you the intensity of feeling when reading it . Hehe . Evenso , the point is , i think the biggest thing i learnt her is to never afraid to express your feelings , speak up what you feel . Yes , eventho i may looked like that brutally honest (what my fren used to called me back in highschol) , i dont actually tell and show you everything . And there are times where i didnt know what i feel like 'should i be offended by that ? ' or 'Are you pulling my legs ? ' or ' Is it okay to say this ? ' yada yada yada . I dont even realised that i took that one thing seriously until i told someone bout it n suddenly i have an urge to cry . OH SO I DID OFFENDED ! Thats how bad my ability to express . Muahahaha.

I just finished my oneweek-midsem break . It was exactly the same time but last year and last sem , that something happened . Oh yes , before that . I once told you in this blog bout a guy . Ahaa . A guy that i didnt know whether to confess or not . Long story short , i did (OMG!) well that was because the circumstance at that time hoho. and it was hard to convince him . Hehe . The moment i did , it was my turn to have doubt bout him . This guy is actuallyy so fu*king different from any guy i  knew -Not in a good way tho . But at that moment I just like him and FULLSTOP . No BUT , no Maybe , NO  nothing comes after that .

It was like tide -high and low , Tug of war - pull and push . A game, last two sem but we get through that eventho it has some effects on my finalss (SHEEZ !) . Then we carry on , untill last sem . I was actually in the middle of figuring out what is this relationship are all about . We are not an item  but we acted like one . And im pretty sure he doesnt see me as someone special . and that kills .I dont like tis . I need to know . Yela macam da kalau camtu what the hell are you doing with me RIGHT NOW ?! and What IM DOING WITH YOU?!! . Kak Shake , suddenly made me realise the action I should take , because the truth is , iknow deep don where is this 'thing 'gonna head to . Only the questions  was - Should i wait till a miracle happen OR Should i stop it now before it cause sooo many unthinkable damage ? . She totally blew my mind ! and I thought i was being brainwashed  -.- . Still , i dont mind.

Awkwardly , he seems knew what i was thinking . He asked and i told him, why dont we stop this ? You knowww THIS uncertainty . If you dont really want me , why should i ? Cewahh demand pulak . Tapi yelahh engat senang2 ke nak bagi hati kat orang yang sambil lewa je kan blerghh . He actually agreed with me , maybe WE Should stop this madness . SO WE STOPPED . Stop all the messages and fb ( xfren pun sapa suruh block aku padan muka).  That was 2 weeks before midsem break , last sem . Youknow , like this year's midsem break . I was so horrible , like a living zombie , boneless , spiritless and losing hope (Kak Mira said ) . I was super sensitive. I talked when needed only . Sometimes dont even want to say anything , totally mute .The weirdest part is , i dont even care to fight that feeling . I thought  was living in a hell .Then i know, i was in the middle of heartbreak . I was so torn. Too torn to even stand up and show a lil bit light of hope . Maslin who always looked so happy and cheerful suddenly turned into someone cold and gloomy , like a stranger . The worst part ? Una and Fuza didnt know bout what i was goin through and they misunderstood my actions. Well that actually my faults . And i am so so so sorry to make you guys worry and have false assumptions and wondering . It was feel like i need my time to detach and quarantine myself from anybody in the world and face this alone . To recluse . HAHAHA. Ididntknow whyyy i thought like that -,- . But we hv settled this :)

After that one week break , i can feel that i was healing . And everybody starts to see me smile again , especially Una dan Fuza  :) Thank God he was a senior and completely has different schedule from me so i can avoid  him . There was one time where i accidentally saw him , and i went like alll miserable ! Just a glance n he made me into that -.- . Slowly and slowly recovering untill the Interbatch Games . I knew im going to meet him sooner or later . Uia tak besar wehhh . Hahahaha. For that Two-days event , i finally can say to Kak Mira , " He is not Mine , and I am Fine " \O/ Yeah ! Im not healing completely but thats a good sign :) Then there was AGM . Ohmyyy. He was all over the place . But as long as i didnt contacted him , im fine. After that , more and moreeee Events that need me to see him. AGD and KOS Integration Month. Maigaaadd ! Allah je la tahuu ! But i guess , thats the fastest way - To make me move on in the right way . They say , you have to feel the deepest fall to rise up again . And i did . I didnt fight myself in the heartbroken period and now i am free (not just yet) .

So finally the 2nd year 2nd sem ended   n he is supposedly graduatingg ! NOT JUST YET . He is stiil here doing practical as a teacher . Oh whatever . Like i care. Eh ? Ofcourse i care ! Baru nak rasa bebasss T_T Wuwuwuuw . One thing i hate bout him , he always thought that if he stopped message me in a period of time , my anger will slowdown and then he can message me back ! OMG ! Nuh -uh-uh . This one is permanent mister . But yeah , sekali dua bole la tahan . Lama2 annoying so reply la jugak Zzz. but one word only HAHAHAH  RASAKAN APA YANG AKU RASAAA ! :P

Today , since i was like layan tak layan , he stopped msg me . YES!!! . Pastu masa cuti aritu bole tak die msg tetiba ?!!! PAstu like2 kat Fb. OH NOOOO ! I wont let this defenses collapse just like thaatt ! NO ! NOT AGAIN !

But youknow what , there was some feeling looking at his name actually ...

Ohmy God . This is haaard  Suddenly . Masa cuti aritu Mom nagged me , and every inch of my confidence breaks and fell out ! I abruptly feel , i wasnt that great like what i thought , like what others see me . They just see what i want them to see , but the truth is ? I am a loser ! .I wasnt good enough . And all these depressions built up , and i felt so lonely ...So lonely in this mad mad world . I felt so down that i have no mood at all to study . Everything just .... Gone . I felt like crying , but i didnt . and thats not good . Remember i told you ? ( UNA NI LA SEBAB NYA ! )

Then his name appeared in my phone . Why should you come at this time pulakkk ? Grrr . And thatt adds up to this loneliness T_T I hate youuuuuuuuuuu  ! Why i felt like im living a lie ? Like all that in this UIA doesnt matter at all ? Like who i am now , this happy-me is just to cover up all the mess i felt inside ? Why ? A  Lie ?

I must say ,that not-so-an-item relationship actually trigered something in me . A side of me that im hiding before . Ahaaa , curious tak ? Hahaha. Still , I dont like that side of me , and i really pray that Allah can help me to overcome it . Thats is one of the reason that im backing off . I really dont know when is this 'get over it' operation goin to finish , but as far as im concern , untill another  guy came and show some great effort for me to trut him or maybe i will just let time remove this feelings . Its not like i was never  in this condition before, right ?  ;) I pray to Allah to let that one person to be the last one -The Mr. Right . Its not a time to play with this heart-feelings things anymore . I had enough . And i hope when the time comes , Im ready :)

 I started it and  I ended it . Seems fair enough .

p/s : Fuza and Una , bacalah ini :)

 pp/s : Since the 1st intention of this blog is to share experience , so i will keep it that way . Plus , tak thrill ahhh tak public HAHAHA

ppp/s : Lama tak post panjang2 , hahh amekkawww eesei thesis terusss ! Mbaahahhahhahh!


sweetcherrypie said...

girl! hehe..be strong kay! :)

Iqa Jalil said...

Haru la bace kau tulis ni. Relax, hihi..it's normal to go through this stage at this age..treasure every experience you're having so one day you'll look back and realize you've learnt something from all these things. If anything, you know you are not alone. im just a call away. Find me on skype iqa-jalil. ;) <3