In -Expressive .

Salam and hye people !

Yeah , for a while i made this blog as private thats because i found out somebody that used to be my ehem is having , i dont know, an social network enlightment and he suddenly has this twitter and instagram account . Blerghh. Plus , Erudition is tracking blogs to be put inside that mini magazine , sooo yeah , i shouldnt put myself at risk . HAHA .

It has been long since i last talked bout heart thinggy , n i think its not right . You know , when you keep everything inside and slowly it kills you , eat you up to death *well thats an extreme exaggeration* .

So , here i am *deep breathe*

It feels like a wake up call ever since i read Fuzah's blog, her recent posts . It tear my hear out to read them . It was too deep to even tell others . I cant even tell you the intensity of feeling when reading it . Hehe . Evenso , the point is , i think the biggest thing i learnt her is to never afraid to express your feelings , speak up what you feel . Yes , eventho i may looked like that brutally honest (what my fren used to called me back in highschol) , i dont actually tell and show you everything . And there are times where i didnt know what i feel like 'should i be offended by that ? ' or 'Are you pulling my legs ? ' or ' Is it okay to say this ? ' yada yada yada . I dont even realised that i took that one thing seriously until i told someone bout it n suddenly i have an urge to cry . OH SO I DID OFFENDED ! Thats how bad my ability to express . Muahahaha.


I just finished my oneweek-midsem break . It was exactly the same time but last year and last sem , that something happened . Oh yes , before that . I once told you in this blog bout a guy . Ahaa . A guy that i didnt know whether to confess or not . Long story short , i did (OMG!) well that was because the circumstance at that time hoho. and it was hard to convince him . Hehe . The moment i did , it was my turn to have doubt bout him . This guy is actuallyy so fu*king different from any guy i  knew -Not in a good way tho . But at that moment I just like him and FULLSTOP . No BUT , no Maybe , NO  nothing comes after that .


It was like tide -high and low , Tug of war - pull and push . A game, last two sem but we get through that eventho it has some effects on my finalss (SHEEZ !) . Then we carry on , untill last sem . I was actually in the middle of figuring out what is this relationship are all about . We are not an item  but we acted like one . And im pretty sure he doesnt see me as someone special . and that kills .I dont like tis . I need to know . Yela macam da kalau camtu what the hell are you doing with me RIGHT NOW ?! and What IM DOING WITH YOU?!! . Kak Shake , suddenly made me realise the action I should take , because the truth is , iknow deep don where is this 'thing 'gonna head to . Only the questions  was - Should i wait till a miracle happen OR Should i stop it now before it cause sooo many unthinkable damage ? . She totally blew my mind ! and I thought i was being brainwashed  -.- . Still , i dont mind.

Awkwardly , he seems knew what i was thinking . He asked and i told him, why dont we stop this ? You knowww THIS uncertainty . If you dont really want me , why should i ? Cewahh demand pulak . Tapi yelahh engat senang2 ke nak bagi hati kat orang yang sambil lewa je kan blerghh . He actually agreed with me , maybe WE Should stop this madness . SO WE STOPPED . Stop all the messages and fb ( xfren pun sapa suruh block aku padan muka).  That was 2 weeks before midsem break , last sem . Youknow , like this year's midsem break . I was so horrible , like a living zombie , boneless , spiritless and losing hope (Kak Mira said ) . I was super sensitive. I talked when needed only . Sometimes dont even want to say anything , totally mute .The weirdest part is , i dont even care to fight that feeling . I thought  was living in a hell .Then i know, i was in the middle of heartbreak . I was so torn. Too torn to even stand up and show a lil bit light of hope . Maslin who always looked so happy and cheerful suddenly turned into someone cold and gloomy , like a stranger . The worst part ? Una and Fuza didnt know bout what i was goin through and they misunderstood my actions. Well that actually my faults . And i am so so so sorry to make you guys worry and have false assumptions and wondering . It was feel like i need my time to detach and quarantine myself from anybody in the world and face this alone . To recluse . HAHAHA. Ididntknow whyyy i thought like that -,- . But we hv settled this :)


After that one week break , i can feel that i was healing . And everybody starts to see me smile again , especially Una dan Fuza  :) Thank God he was a senior and completely has different schedule from me so i can avoid  him . There was one time where i accidentally saw him , and i went like alll miserable ! Just a glance n he made me into that -.- . Slowly and slowly recovering untill the Interbatch Games . I knew im going to meet him sooner or later . Uia tak besar wehhh . Hahahaha. For that Two-days event , i finally can say to Kak Mira , " He is not Mine , and I am Fine " \O/ Yeah ! Im not healing completely but thats a good sign :) Then there was AGM . Ohmyyy. He was all over the place . But as long as i didnt contacted him , im fine. After that , more and moreeee Events that need me to see him. AGD and KOS Integration Month. Maigaaadd ! Allah je la tahuu ! But i guess , thats the fastest way - To make me move on in the right way . They say , you have to feel the deepest fall to rise up again . And i did . I didnt fight myself in the heartbroken period and now i am free (not just yet) .


So finally the 2nd year 2nd sem ended   n he is supposedly graduatingg ! NOT JUST YET . He is stiil here doing practical as a teacher . Oh whatever . Like i care. Eh ? Ofcourse i care ! Baru nak rasa bebasss T_T Wuwuwuuw . One thing i hate bout him , he always thought that if he stopped message me in a period of time , my anger will slowdown and then he can message me back ! OMG ! Nuh -uh-uh . This one is permanent mister . But yeah , sekali dua bole la tahan . Lama2 annoying so reply la jugak Zzz. but one word only HAHAHAH  RASAKAN APA YANG AKU RASAAA ! :P


Today , since i was like layan tak layan , he stopped msg me . YES!!! . Pastu masa cuti aritu bole tak die msg tetiba ?!!! PAstu like2 kat Fb. OH NOOOO ! I wont let this defenses collapse just like thaatt ! NO ! NOT AGAIN !


But youknow what , there was some feeling looking at his name actually ...


Ohmy God . This is haaard  Suddenly . Masa cuti aritu Mom nagged me , and every inch of my confidence breaks and fell out ! I abruptly feel , i wasnt that great like what i thought , like what others see me . They just see what i want them to see , but the truth is ? I am a loser ! .I wasnt good enough . And all these depressions built up , and i felt so lonely ...So lonely in this mad mad world . I felt so down that i have no mood at all to study . Everything just .... Gone . I felt like crying , but i didnt . and thats not good . Remember i told you ? ( UNA NI LA SEBAB NYA ! )

Then his name appeared in my phone . Why should you come at this time pulakkk ? Grrr . And thatt adds up to this loneliness T_T I hate youuuuuuuuuuu  ! Why i felt like im living a lie ? Like all that in this UIA doesnt matter at all ? Like who i am now , this happy-me is just to cover up all the mess i felt inside ? Why ? A  Lie ?


I must say ,that not-so-an-item relationship actually trigered something in me . A side of me that im hiding before . Ahaaa , curious tak ? Hahaha. Still , I dont like that side of me , and i really pray that Allah can help me to overcome it . Thats is one of the reason that im backing off . I really dont know when is this 'get over it' operation goin to finish , but as far as im concern , untill another  guy came and show some great effort for me to trut him or maybe i will just let time remove this feelings . Its not like i was never  in this condition before, right ?  ;) I pray to Allah to let that one person to be the last one -The Mr. Right . Its not a time to play with this heart-feelings things anymore . I had enough . And i hope when the time comes , Im ready :)


 I started it and  I ended it . Seems fair enough .

p/s : Fuza and Una , bacalah ini :)

 pp/s : Since the 1st intention of this blog is to share experience , so i will keep it that way . Plus , tak thrill ahhh tak public HAHAHA

ppp/s : Lama tak post panjang2 , hahh amekkawww eesei thesis terusss ! Mbaahahhahhahh!