14 September 2009

"i'm fine"---define!

"arini rmai kwn angah fly g mesir la umi"
"nisa, amar, sume yg laen fly,cpt tul,hoho"
"rmai ke dak laki,,dgr cm byk pompuan je"
"ade je rmai,kite xpnh mention un,2 yg rse cket"
"jnab fly ble?"
"owh,lame ag dye"
"g ne eh dye?"

and the conversation goes well til she said,

"ko xrase pape ke?"

pehh,,ney yg aku malas nk cte pasl dyorg
at that time i was like...
hvn't i make it clear to u?
that i'm fine.
haven't i?
i'm not in the depressing...or self-destruction mode anymore!
it is waaaay to0 lame to talk bout this now
i'm fine
then i said,

"mom,i already move don,it is not like i'm dead if i cant go oc"
"emm,thats the spirit!"

then i tot she's done with that
when somehow,she don't.

"ther's always a reason why u cant fly dear..i.."
"mom,can u stop it? im sick of it!
i m sick of people who thinks i cant heal by myself
and who thinks i will always in self-depressed.
i'm sick of people telling me which way is better
i know mom
i already knew it
no need to tell me twice.
i'm ok, O K?"

at that moment,
i can feel she dont believe me.

"is it so hard to hv faith in me that i will never stirred up by those who lucky enuf to fly ,mum?"
i was heated up.
i was hoping for a denial.

"who will believe u when ur reaction is like that?"

now,it was my reaction were put into account?
is it not convincing enough just to say "i'm fine"?
hey,who says that?
who says 'what is what' or qualification of how u know someone who is just fine?
u cant people,u cant.
u cant assume all the response that seems had triggered angst
is a sign of "man,she-is-still-sick"
u cant bandwagon it
u cant judge
sometimes,the best way to do is
support them silently from behind
because what's the use of lo0king back?
lo0king forward is what we aim for.
plan for the future
use everything we have

wound can be heal.
it just needs time.

all in all,i do know my mom love me and just really2 want to makesure im ok.
thnx mom,dont do like i do,talk back,huhu,
outspoken is not what i used to be ,yet somehow,thats what i always do.;p
so long my friends who already on flight!
u are the nation's hope.
may everything goes well there
and may Allah bless u.
don't forget to collect all the precious experience there.
it is not all the time we can be foreigner,ain't it?

ana bikhairin jiddan:)


xXxNaSyeRxXx said...

btdt, dwahling :)
ko chant je menda ni dlm pale otak, i did this, and it works EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

"gi oversea is not everything. mesti Allah tanak kasi aku gi coz takut aku terpengaruh ngn cultures yg merepek kat sne. at least kat sini i know i won't get into all those things..."

...well, rephrase it in any way u want, so long as it makes u feel better =)

max'*bubble said...

sayngku kak nasyer
dats wt i've been doing all dis while..
kte en srupe,,rmmber?
dun tell me u,to0,thnk im not ok??
for god sake..
u shud read my past post entitled-no one
u will get wt i mean..
btw,thnx 4 dropping by,
alwayz lvya!muuaahhxx!