Continously looking for a salvation

' What will you categorize yourself ? A pessimist ? An optimist ? A realist ?'
' The indecisive '
' Why ?'
' Because thats what im facing right now , i feel like nothing is uncertain . And im about to graduate . How am i supposed to know whats the best for me ? And i dont know what i should choose . Everything is pretty interesting to me. im just...indecisive '
' Okay . Lemme tell you one thing . Dont call yourself anything '
' What do you mean ? '
' Just have a free mind . Free .  You know sometimes when people put a certain label on themselves, they thought they are obliged to it . For example The Realist . They are factual people . White is white . So is black . Theres no Grey area . The problem with who called emselves this , is their reality cannot be applied to everyone . Only for certain situation. '
' What kind of situation ? '
' Lets say the police and the trafficlight . We all know that the redlight is to stop .But what if theres no car at all on the road , and the driver is in emergency so he just pressed the pedal ? Would that make him guilty , to you ? To the police you need to stop when the light turns red no matter what . Even it was safe . Even someone is dying . Can you see how is their facts cannot be used to some condition ? Well thats just an example '
' Okay '

Free mind . Free your mind . Free your soul .

' Do you know that we live in a world that conducted by a system . A system that doesnt necessarily exist , but be put into existence because everybody is doing it '
' Elaborate '
' Okay you see , we schooled for 11 years , then we entered university . Then we worked and finally get married. Who exactly arranged our life to be that way ? Why must you school first , then work ? Why cant you work first , then you study ? All im saying is , with these kind of patterns we are actually creating a system . A system that doesnt exist at first but established throughout years .
' Okay . Then whats your point ? '
' This system happened because everybody is doing it . But if there are people who didnt do it , it will make a hole in that system . Be that hole . Be free . Its not necessary for you to follow that system . This is YOUR life . Do it anything you want from it .'

' But if you wanna plan . Plan in a realization that it prrobably wont go like you think and it will be changed. Do have backup plans and safety net . '

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Both conversations happened at Tioman . Hahahahah . I was this closed to think that my decision to go is a mistake . Then this happened . So i was grateful i was there . Plus , suddenly my view about life is altered in some ways . Yelah , i was in sad state and depressed and my life is stagnant . But when i met this people- in the picture - it made me think like ' There are gotta be more to life , girl ! Cheer up! Explore the world . Explore yourself '.

I dont know . I probably was in those state before because of the heartbreak (?) and the uncertain future , then my adek is getting married .  Seems like everybody;s life is moving forward .Except mine . And i cant take that . I must do something with my life . Perhaps something that i never thought i would do it . But then , i dont know what is that . So when i go to tioman , something had enlightened me to see this world on a different sides.

This one hits me on the face real hardddd . Is it because i hv no faith towards Him ? You feel so anxious , and worried and restless of the unknowingly future , when its not here yet . What good does it do to you anyway ? Do i have no believe in Him of whats coming ? Astaghfirullahalazim . How could i think such thing ? i have nooo idea what does my action implies to my faith . Ya ALlah , show me the way . But because of this , ill try to find back my trust and depending more on Him rather than my efforts . Just like what kak yana said ,' Just enjoy the moment . Live what you have now . And everything will go uphill from there' . I will kak yana . Ravel in joy .Cherish the moment .

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Have you ever heard ,' At the end of the day ,its not the counts of your friends that matters but the friends you can count on '.  I begin to understand that now . Im near to be a final year student, and there are few times i feel like idont want to meet new people ( probably in that sad phase) , just enough with everyone i have right now . People around me .Magenta especially . I hv no energy anymore to impress people and to make em think that im an interesting person . im done with that . i dont care anymore . if you wanna talk to me then you will .hahahah sounds so ignorant . but yeah . it was so weird to see me mute in a crowd of people . Me ? Silence ? Never a match  . I think we all would come to that phase one day- When you filter people you hang out with and share your stories .

Sad , isnt it ? i hate being sad . Time is not moving . and i look so pathetic . Lethargic. Plastic .

So i have to end it right now . Thank God to all friends i have around me .

I realize that no matter what im feeling inside , i need to give my best appearance to the world ( tetiba) . Im not in a condition that can be sad for a longg time . I have fyp waiting for me . A future thats coming towards me . I  have to move forward . and to move , i need positive energy . the vibes . My vibes . Make connections . Make networks. Feel the world is so exciting once again . To feel alive again . To feel .... Hope .

Family . Friends .Him . The support system .

Remember , this is your life . Do it anything you want with it. Do not let a single person ruin it.



Continously looking for a salvation . When will this end ... ?